So we're now in February - yay !! A new and better month right!? Wrong!
So at the beginning of the month I had my work appraisal - I knew it wouldnt go too well, as I had around 2 months off to recover from my operation, plus Christmas half term was in there, so hadn't been back all that long but it had been picked up that I was slacking and it seemed as though I didn't want to be there. Truth be told as much as I loved being at work, I wanted my bed. Not because Im lazy but because I was just so so tired all the time. I dreaded Mondays because it was a full day and on Tuesday's and Thursday's I looked forward to the last half hour of the day so I could go home and relax! So I was given a probation, not in a bad way at all, it was a mutual decision, it was going to be until the April half term, but that made me anxious so we moved it to a closer time of February half term - to be honest I think that just answered my own question... If I couldnt wait until April then what hope did I have !? After having a long talk with the other half, it was decided that my health was far more important. I had suffered a few weekends where I was unable to move and and didn't have the strength to hold my own cup or get dressed. That was hard to deal with!
Making the decision to give up work was not an easy one. I had studied hard at college whilst battling against this horrible illness and fighting to get people and my tutors to understand I almost gave it all up... But I carried on, got my qualification and was lucky enough to land a job I thoroughly loved! To give all that up was soul destroying, I cried ! I felt like I had failed, in everything I believed in. I wanted a job with a great career to work hard for everything I wanted in life and to never rely on a man or anybody else for that matter for money. Now all of that has changed, im usually an independent person, now im relying on someone - not easy to get used too. So it's now been 2 weeks, including the feb half term and I am boooooored to tears! I cant get used to doing nothing. I miss my work, I really really do. I wish someone could click their fingers and i'd be 'normal' again and I'd be back at work like a shot! And it's hard to get people to know and understand that. Their attitude is to just get over it and on with it - I wish I could but it wasn't fair on the children nor on the staff I was working with!
So now I make cards to bring in a few extra pennies and in some ways can be quite therapeutic. Although as im writing this, it sounds lame that im doing such things! Especially as I have no confidence in my work and feel its all crap!
So now I have no job, friends are very far and few between, my self esteem is LOW!
My moods are all over the place and I feel like im standing in the middle of a quiet room screaming the loudest I can and nobody is listening to me. I feel
like im repeating myself time and time again and still no-one listens. It's frustrating and saddening - I feel like giving up and going back into a shell - nobody cares. Repeating myself to friends - money situation is tough at the moment, I have no job - therefore no money. We're trying to save as much pennies as possible for when we move out. Of course they wont understand that, they work and have the money! These days you need to have money to be able to do stuff. Plus im so tired all the time ive been sleeping pretty much the whole day and awake the whole night a vicious circle so then I dont have the energry to meet up with people and yes its the same old 'excuse' all the time, I never make the effort to meet up with people (yet I still keep in contact) NEWSFLASH PEOPLE - Im not the person who I used to be, I CANT just meet up anytime I want anymore. If you don't like it - delete me, Because quite frankly I havent got the the guts to delete you because I can't deal with the repurcussions of it all. And yes it will hurt when I see that i've been deleted but at the end of the day the stress makes me even worse when trying to explain why I cant do such things. (Rant over) - Do you think I need a long overdue holiday!?
Let's see what else is there to moan about? Oh yes - my Doctor, I went and saw him for the 2nd time in around 2 years! And he tells me my rheaumatologists sent a letter to say she didn't think I have Fibromyalgia or M.E at all. He then said doctors cannot give the diagnosis and that was that basically said people with 'fibromyalgia' - just have to get well get on with it were his words, so I ended up in tears, bawling my eyes out whilst explaining I want to be 'normal' to go to work, ended up in a short rant about how much I loved it and from there he changed his attitude towards me and only because I mentioned I had applied for DLA! - I had gone there for help but instead got aload more stress of knowing there's going to be a fight on my hands now - Thanks then, so where do I go from here!? One specialists says I havent and thats that, well im sorry - but she was running late and majorly behind and rushed our appointment! She also said she did the tender points test, did she heck! Another short rant over - getting good at this I am!
Ok let's have something positive now - Ummmmm Oh yes, did a table top sale not so long ago, actually made some money !
Sold 5 handmade bracelets which I was chuffed about and 2 cards and got compliments on them - so that made my day and boosted my confidence a little
about my homemade crafts! (I did sell more by the way) So now ive set up my own little group on facebook - which took some guts to do, for me anyway! Had
compliments and orders - *fingers crossed* they'll still like them when they've recieved their orders!
I've met up with a good friend and seen her two gorgeous girls and had lots of lovely cuddles! Looking forward to being their godmother *hint hint* =P In all seriousness im looking forward to seeing alot more of people when I can! Just wish everyone could understand that, it's a shame most are too narrow minded. =)
Let's talk about my mahoosively long journey I took today. It was one heck of a walk along a river! And on my way home the pain was horrendous, got in went upstairs, took some painkillers and rested. But I dont regret doing it! It was a lovely, gorgeous sunny day and I didnt want to waste it. Im proud of myself for doing it - I know Im going to pay for it, but I just wanted to do something normal for once. So I did... =) On the plus side at least i'll have some nice toned legs
after today hehe.
So now im going to raise my glass... well cup of tea - here's hoping that next month is going to be a much more positive and better month! xxxxx
So at the beginning of the month I had my work appraisal - I knew it wouldnt go too well, as I had around 2 months off to recover from my operation, plus Christmas half term was in there, so hadn't been back all that long but it had been picked up that I was slacking and it seemed as though I didn't want to be there. Truth be told as much as I loved being at work, I wanted my bed. Not because Im lazy but because I was just so so tired all the time. I dreaded Mondays because it was a full day and on Tuesday's and Thursday's I looked forward to the last half hour of the day so I could go home and relax! So I was given a probation, not in a bad way at all, it was a mutual decision, it was going to be until the April half term, but that made me anxious so we moved it to a closer time of February half term - to be honest I think that just answered my own question... If I couldnt wait until April then what hope did I have !? After having a long talk with the other half, it was decided that my health was far more important. I had suffered a few weekends where I was unable to move and and didn't have the strength to hold my own cup or get dressed. That was hard to deal with!
Making the decision to give up work was not an easy one. I had studied hard at college whilst battling against this horrible illness and fighting to get people and my tutors to understand I almost gave it all up... But I carried on, got my qualification and was lucky enough to land a job I thoroughly loved! To give all that up was soul destroying, I cried ! I felt like I had failed, in everything I believed in. I wanted a job with a great career to work hard for everything I wanted in life and to never rely on a man or anybody else for that matter for money. Now all of that has changed, im usually an independent person, now im relying on someone - not easy to get used too. So it's now been 2 weeks, including the feb half term and I am boooooored to tears! I cant get used to doing nothing. I miss my work, I really really do. I wish someone could click their fingers and i'd be 'normal' again and I'd be back at work like a shot! And it's hard to get people to know and understand that. Their attitude is to just get over it and on with it - I wish I could but it wasn't fair on the children nor on the staff I was working with!
So now I make cards to bring in a few extra pennies and in some ways can be quite therapeutic. Although as im writing this, it sounds lame that im doing such things! Especially as I have no confidence in my work and feel its all crap!
So now I have no job, friends are very far and few between, my self esteem is LOW!
My moods are all over the place and I feel like im standing in the middle of a quiet room screaming the loudest I can and nobody is listening to me. I feel
like im repeating myself time and time again and still no-one listens. It's frustrating and saddening - I feel like giving up and going back into a shell - nobody cares. Repeating myself to friends - money situation is tough at the moment, I have no job - therefore no money. We're trying to save as much pennies as possible for when we move out. Of course they wont understand that, they work and have the money! These days you need to have money to be able to do stuff. Plus im so tired all the time ive been sleeping pretty much the whole day and awake the whole night a vicious circle so then I dont have the energry to meet up with people and yes its the same old 'excuse' all the time, I never make the effort to meet up with people (yet I still keep in contact) NEWSFLASH PEOPLE - Im not the person who I used to be, I CANT just meet up anytime I want anymore. If you don't like it - delete me, Because quite frankly I havent got the the guts to delete you because I can't deal with the repurcussions of it all. And yes it will hurt when I see that i've been deleted but at the end of the day the stress makes me even worse when trying to explain why I cant do such things. (Rant over) - Do you think I need a long overdue holiday!?
Let's see what else is there to moan about? Oh yes - my Doctor, I went and saw him for the 2nd time in around 2 years! And he tells me my rheaumatologists sent a letter to say she didn't think I have Fibromyalgia or M.E at all. He then said doctors cannot give the diagnosis and that was that basically said people with 'fibromyalgia' - just have to get well get on with it were his words, so I ended up in tears, bawling my eyes out whilst explaining I want to be 'normal' to go to work, ended up in a short rant about how much I loved it and from there he changed his attitude towards me and only because I mentioned I had applied for DLA! - I had gone there for help but instead got aload more stress of knowing there's going to be a fight on my hands now - Thanks then, so where do I go from here!? One specialists says I havent and thats that, well im sorry - but she was running late and majorly behind and rushed our appointment! She also said she did the tender points test, did she heck! Another short rant over - getting good at this I am!
Ok let's have something positive now - Ummmmm Oh yes, did a table top sale not so long ago, actually made some money !
Sold 5 handmade bracelets which I was chuffed about and 2 cards and got compliments on them - so that made my day and boosted my confidence a little
about my homemade crafts! (I did sell more by the way) So now ive set up my own little group on facebook - which took some guts to do, for me anyway! Had
compliments and orders - *fingers crossed* they'll still like them when they've recieved their orders!
I've met up with a good friend and seen her two gorgeous girls and had lots of lovely cuddles! Looking forward to being their godmother *hint hint* =P In all seriousness im looking forward to seeing alot more of people when I can! Just wish everyone could understand that, it's a shame most are too narrow minded. =)
Let's talk about my mahoosively long journey I took today. It was one heck of a walk along a river! And on my way home the pain was horrendous, got in went upstairs, took some painkillers and rested. But I dont regret doing it! It was a lovely, gorgeous sunny day and I didnt want to waste it. Im proud of myself for doing it - I know Im going to pay for it, but I just wanted to do something normal for once. So I did... =) On the plus side at least i'll have some nice toned legs
after today hehe.
So now im going to raise my glass... well cup of tea - here's hoping that next month is going to be a much more positive and better month! xxxxx